Predictions: Expect goofy days ahead in 2005

January
FBI foils plot by Tennessee fans to blow up Georgia Dome.

With all five starters wearing Diana Taurasi masks, UConn upsets Lady Vols in Hartford.

The NFL announces that Disney will produce Super Bowl halftime show.

Former UT wide receiver James Banks and three other Vols transfer to Chattanooga.

February
National television audience shocked when Goofy's left ear is exposed during Super Bowl halftime tussle with Mickey Mouse.

Lady Vols coach Pat Summitt unveils new offense, called "Throw the ball to Candace."

Gentleman Vols coach Buzz Peterson unveils new defense, called "Guard somebody."

Waynesville, N.C., quarterback Jonathan Crompton signs with UT.

Ole Miss athletic director Pete Boone fires Ed Orgeron after the new coach renders two signees unconscious with celebratory head-butts.

U.S. nuclear physicists announce they have produced a derivative of plutonium that can increase growth in adults with only minimal side effects.

March
An 8-foot-3, 477-pound Barry Bonds credits an off-season regimen of stretching and weightlifting for his increased height and size.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. wins Food City 500 race but loses 25 Nextel Cup points when he says "gosh darn" during post-race interview.

Budweiser airs new commercial - "Our beer is too good to throw" - before telecast of Pacers-Pistons game.

Gentleman Vols qualify for the NCAA basketball tournament.

UT football coach Phillip Fulmer tightens up team discipline with a "three strikeouts and you're out" policy in which a player is automatically dismissed after a ninth violation of team rules.

Ole Miss athletic director Pete Boone promises to bring back "the glory days" with his next hire.

April

John Vaught, 95, returns as Ole Miss head football coach.

Tiger Woods fails to make cut at the Masters.

Barry Bonds hits two 600-foot home runs and maims two first basemen with line drives in the Giants' season opener.

Lady Vols win seventh national championship.

UT quarterback Brent Schaeffer transfers to Chattanooga.

May

Tiger Woods files for divorce.

Major league scouts redefine a "five-tool player" as one who excels at running, throwing, fielding, hitting for average, and willingest absolutely anything to improve his performance.

Ron Artest's rap single, "Beer Today, Gone Tomorrow," climbs to No. 10 on the charts.

Ole Miss criticized by Black Coaches Association but praised by AARP for new coaching hire.

June

Tiger Woods wins U.S. Open by six strokes.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. wins Pocono 500 but loses 25 Nextel Cup points when he says "heck fire" within range of a television mike in the pit area.

College football coaches agree to have their final top-25 ballots published - as long as their names aren't used.

NBC launches sequel to "Friends," starring Kobe Bryant, Karl Malone and Shaquille O'Neal.

July

ESPN Crime announces programming for its new 24-hour network devoted exclusively to the criminal exploits of college and professional athletes.

Agent for Maurice Clarett says it's laughable that an NFL team would offer his client less money than he made at Ohio State.

Lance Armstrong wins Tour de France on a unicycle.

Venus Williams loses in Wimbledon quarterfinals after scorekeeper mistakenly credits two of her sets to Serena Williams on a nearby court.

August

Art Schlichter handicaps all 32 NFL teams and gives his dark-horse picks for the Super Bowl; Pete Rose reveals his Monday Night Football "lock of the year" on ESPN Crime's "Best Bets."

Twenty-one UT football players sign up for new class in Electric Ballroom dancing.

UT depth chart for season opener brackets Rick Clausen, Erik Ainge and Jonathan Crompton at No. 1 quarterback.

Chattanooga changes team name from Mocs to Mini-Vols.

September

ABC airs first episode of its new reality show, "T.O.-A-Go-Go," in which 10 beautiful women compete to be Terrell Owens' choreographer.

CBS airs first episode of its new reality show "Bite or Flight," in which former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson challenges a different wild animal in its natural habitat each week.

ESPN Crime airs the first episode of "Desperate Houseguests," which features three strangers trying to survive a weekend in the home of Jayson Williams.

NBC airs the first episode of "Friends" in which Kobe is offended twice: when Shaq calls him a "big baby" and again when Karl calls Kobe's wife "Baby."

Florida university president Bernie Machen pelted with visors after Vols defeat Gators in The Swamp.

October

"Bite or Flight" series canceled after Tyson fares badly in match with an Australian crocodile.

Giants fall short of National League playoffs, but Barry Bonds sets major league record with 637 consecutive intentional walks.

With the National Hockey League still on strike, ESPN announces the formation of an eight-team "National Hocker League," which it bills as "soccer on ice," a high-speed game in which players wearing shorts and no pads try to kick a ball through a net while skating on ice."

November

Despite great television ratings, the National Hockey League cancels the rest of its regular season after 37 players suffer serious injuries on opening night.

National Enquirer reports O. J. Simpson has new lead on the murder of his ex-wife.

South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier repeatedly refers to Florida coach as "Urban Myth" following the Gamecocks' 27-20 victory over the Gators.

UT creates a homier atmosphere for Gentleman Vols in early season games by lowering curtain to cover all but 5,000 seats in Thompson-Boling Arena.

Barry Bonds denies reports in San Francisco Chronicle that he took a plutonium derivative to increase his size and height.

December

Doctors say Barry Bonds should be ready for spring training after undergoing successful surgery to remove an ear from his forehead.

Vols use three-man quarterback rotation to win SEC championship game.

Mini-Vols use three touchdown passes from Brent Schaeffer to James Banks to win Division I-AA national championship game.

Christian Lundy clinches picks panel championship.

A standing-room-only crowd of 5,123 cheers Gentleman Vols to a 73-71 victory over New Mexico.

Three sophomore football players graduate from UT with a degree in sports management.

O. J. Simpson says he has firsthand evidence his ex-wife's murderer is an avid golfer.

Sports editor John Adams may be reached at 865-342-6284 or adamsj@knews.com.