The following takes place in a crowded press conference following a college football team's sixth loss of the season.

"Coach, what do you believe is responsible for this disappointing season?"

"Well, first of all, the buck stops here. I'm the man in charge of things, so despite all the injuries and the tough schedule, the bad calls and all the strange bounces, it really all comes back to me."

"Coach, are you saying that injuries and bad bounces are to blame?"

"No, you said that. I said it comes back to me. Heckfire, I'm trying to take responsibility here. I mean I didn't even mention the fact that we had our schedule affected by Hurricane Katrina. If I were making excuses I'd have mentioned that."

"But, coach, you won at LSU."

"Yeah, but a Monday night game might have affected the team's biological clocks for weeks to come. Only I didn't use that as an excuse, did I? I also didn't point out that we'd have been fine if FEMA had just handled things better in Louisiana."

"Are you blaming FEMA for a 4-6 season?"

"No. The buck stops with me. Don't you guys listen? I mean blaming FEMA would be like me pointing out that climatological changes have affected the weather around here."

"Are you ..."

"No, I'm not blaming global warming. I'll take the blame for this season. Even though it's been a hotter than normal Fall and that leads to player fatigue. Shoot, maybe if Bush had taken Kyoto seriously."

"Kyoto?"

"No, no, you guys are right. Clinton didn't do much for the environment, either. But he was controlled by the Illuminati and that's a whole other story."

"Coach, I can't believe you're blaming the weather, two presidents and the Illuminati for a 6-loss season."

"I never said that! I've said the buck stops with me. I swear! You liberal media-types never give up. You guys must just hate freedom. And I tell you it's hard to run a team when the whole world's outlook is so bleak."

"Coach ..."

"Dadgum, we're talking about a team that's supposed to stay focused in the face of bird flu, El Nino and violent video games. Heck, Brad left Jennifer! I mean come on."

"Coach ..."

"Reaganomics, Nervous Leg Syndrome, reality TV, the vacuum created by the collapse of the former Communist Bloc ..."

"Coach?"

"And don't get me started on the Masons. Or the French."

"OK, we'll give you the French, but it doesn't sound like you're taking responsibility for any of this mess."

"Not taking responsibility? For the fortieth time, the buck stops here with me. I'm not making excuses. If I were I would mention the overall cultural undertow that began with Oliver Stone's 'Natural Born Killers.' "

"Well, Coach, since you brought up theaters ..."

"Next question."

John Pennington hosts The Hall’s Salvage Sports Source on Saturday at 11 a.m. on UPN Knoxville. He also writes a blog at govolsxtra.com.