Every December I sit and watch the parade of football awards handed out on ESPN. And every year I feel left out. So this season, I'll be handing out my own prestigious honors to the best and worst of the SEC. Here are the early favorites for just a few of my awards:

The Cousin Oliver Award

Not long-time Alabama assistant Brother Oliver, folks, Cousin Oliver. He's the kid that looked like a miniaturized John Denver when he came aboard for the final six episodes of "The Brady Bunch." Here's how it works. A program starts declining. Folks aren't tuning in. So decision-makers bring in some young blood, a new character, to breathe life back into the program. He's supposed to save the show. But like Cousin Oliver and numerous other late additions to numerous other programs the plan seldom works.

Pre-Season Favorite: Randy Sanders, Kentucky. Odds are strong that "The Rich Brooks Show" will be cancelled following this season, regardless of Sanders' arrival.

The Mayor Larry Vaughn Award

Character actor Murray Hamilton played the bureaucratic Mayor Vaughn, in "Jaws." When confronted with mounting evidence of a shark in the waters off Amity Island, the mayor ordered the beaches to remain open because, well, he just hadn't seen enough proof (aside from the bodies and all). Besides, it was the summer tourist season.

Pre-Season Favorite: Phillip Fulmer, Tennessee. Things aren't as bad as some of the nay-sayers say, but they're also not as rosy as Fulmer seems to think they are. A "perfect storm?" Just as warmer oceans might lead to stronger hurricanes, a drop in overall talent might have left the Vols' more vulnerable to bad breaks and funny bounces. I'm guessing a Manning, a Lewis or a Wilson might have overcome a couple of those miscues last year.

In "Jaws," the mayor finally caught on and made the right moves to track down the shark and save numerous summer swimmers. We'll know in four months whether or not Fulmer paid attention to the sharks in the water and made the necessary moves to do away with them.

The Apollo 13 Award

You know the story of the troubled 1970 spacecraft. An oxygen tank exploded. The crew was left to survive on minimal oxygen and water. They had to power up their frozen ship in deep space using only a small amount of electricity. They had to build (on their own) filters to guard against carbon dioxide poisoning. And if they failed to jump through even one of those hoops, the crew would surely perish (now THAT'S a perfect storm).

Pre-Season Favorite: Les Miles, LSU. He's got the recruits and talent that Nick Saban brought in. He's got a great home-field advantage. But he's also got the entire state of Louisiana on his back.

Miles isn't a "Southern" guy. His demeanor has rubbed many Tiger fans the wrong way. Last year's overtime collapse against Tennessee dumped him into the Zook End of the pool (where hot water is found almost immediately upon arrival). Now LSU supporters expect a championship run of some kind, preferably national, and anything less than absolute perfection could lead to Miles being jettisoned from the Tigersphere after just two seasons.

Watergate Award

No, this has nothing to do with cover-ups and break-ins. It actually ties to the decision by Richard Nixon to cover the whole mess up. That one decision unraveled his entire presidency. A terrible decision, Dick.

Pre-Season Favorite: Chris Leak, Florida. Talk about blunders. If Leak had come to Tennessee as he'd initially planned, who knows how the last two years would have played out? Certainly, the Vols wouldn't have been in Quarterback Hell last season and more than likely UT's passing game would have been a good fit for the dropback passer, Leak.

But No. 12 made a real blunder. He signed with Florida, where he's suited up for two different coaches. The more recent of the two implemented an offensive system that actually accentuates Leak's aversion to being hit. He looks about as comfortable as Karl Rove at an ACLU meeting. And now wonderfrosh Tim Tebow is on campus and fans will surely be calling his name if Leak stumbles. Bad decision, Chris.

The Michael Myers Award

Cue the "Halloween" music. Myers was the original "man that couldn't be killed." Shoot him? He came back. Stab him with a knitting needle in the neck? He came back. A coathanger to the face? A fall off a building? Burn him up? He kept coming back.

Pre-Season Favorite: Mark Richt, Georgia. He's lost too many players? He reloads. He's got tough games on the road? He wins the SEC. This year he's looking for a good starting quarterback, but his track record suggests that his Bulldogs will still be in the thick of the SEC race this Fall.

The Perot/Nader Award

Ask George Bush (the Elder) or Al Gore about the third-party candidates who had no real shot at the White House, but did have just enough clout to completely spoil the campaigns of those two favorites.

Pre-Season Favorite: South Carolina. The Gamecocks might not be able to match last year's surprising success, but some SEC title contender will be spurred by the roosters at some point this season. The SEC has six heavyweight programs. But Carolina is safely entrenched in the Number 7 slot with a bullet. That makes them very dangerous. And gives Steve Spurrier something new to crow about.