Two days before Christmas, I've finally completed my gift list.
And the best thing about it? All it cost me was time.
Barry Bonds: An asterisk.
Rudy Giuliani: A white house.
UT men's basketball team: A tour of the Alamo in April.
UT's football team: Nothing. It thrives on disrespect.
Zack the neighborhood cat: A mole outbreak.
Fred White: A new truck with a Tim Tebow bobblehead doll affixed to the dashboard.
My dog: A muzzle.
My mother-in-law: A muzzle.
Bruce Pearl: A 30-hour day.
Roger Clemens: An asterisk.
Kirk Hirbstreit: A desk calendar with the same message on every page: "Let the dot-com boys break the stories."
Kiefer Sutherland: 24 more shows and a 12-step program.
Nick Saban: A Nick Saban bobblehead doll that smiles.
Tony Romo: A new girlfriend.
Jesse Smithey: A new 'do.
Tom Cruise: A new religion.
O.J. Simpson: A new cell.
Michael Vick: A cellmate who loves dogs.
Pat Summitt: See "Bruce Pearl."
Mike Hamilton: A pat on the back from John Thornton.
Mark Richt: Fourteen sets of different colored jerseys so he can motivate his team for every game.
Roger Federer: Competition.
Ed Orgeron: A head-coaching job in the Big Ten.
Katie Emig: More shutouts.
Valerie Hyams: More french fries.
Cops: Bigger guns and bigger paychecks.
Bob Hodge: Bigger guns and bigger paychecks.
Any SEC team playing for a national championship: Ohio State for an opponent.
Josh McNeil: A doormat with a spare apartment key under it.
Jen: Brad.
Angelina: An appetite.
Mike Slive: Twelve bowl tie-ins.
Peyton Manning: A healthy Marvin Harrison.
Drew Edwards: A large can of spam.
My wife: Tim Tebow's autograph.
My wife's grandmother: Pat Summitt's autograph.
Mike Strange: A new girlfriend.
Bobby Petrino: A team that quits on him.
John Pennington: A Patriotic Super Bowl.
Jamey Schagren: A Super Bowl with more Billable hours.
Tim Tebow : A body double.
Turner Gill: An apology from his alma mater.
Tiger Woods: Competition.
College football: More coaching rants.
Women's basketball: A UT-UConn finish.
Dave Hooker: A chauffeur.
LaMarcus Coker: A smoke-free environment.
Lee Corso: A mascot head that won't come off.
New England Patriots: Perfection.
UT's offensive line: A cook to replace Eric Young.
Bob Kesling: Ohio State playing for the national championship in football. Check that. Ohio State winning the national championship in football.
Indiana Pacers: Bulletproof vests.
Tony Jones: Same as last year: A head-coaching job.
Phoenix Suns: A 15-second shot clock.
Mark Packer: A 10-second clock for the "Locker Room."
Travis Henry: A moral compass.
Billy Gillispie: A restraining order to prevent him from recruiting elementary school basketball players.
Mike Griffith: A new girlfriend.
Erik Ainge: An NFL quarterbacks coach as good as David Cutcliffe.
Demonte Bolden: A new bus to throw his next quarterback under.
Steve Nash: See "Tim Tebow."
Al Wilson: His own night in Neyland Stadium.
Every professional athlete: An entourage shredder.
Mark Burgess: Directions to the News Sentinel building.
Litton's Restaurant: A John Adams-eats-free card.
Major league baseball: Natural ingredients only.
Todd Helton: Four more wins in October.
Christian Lundy: A fantasy league championship.
Daniel Lincoln: A kicking shoe two field goals bigger.
Lady Vols basketball team: See "New England Patriots."
Les Miles: A championship ring that plays "It's better to be lucky than smart" when pushed.
Phillip Fulmer: A championship ring that plays "I told you so" when pushed.
Dan Fleser: A clean bill of health.
Peyton Newman: A cure for cystic fibrosis.
John Adams: Tech support.
Our troops: Our support.
News Sentinel readers and Sports Page listeners: A merry Christmas and a great 2008.
Sports editor John Adams may be reached at 865-342-6284 or adamsj@knews.com.
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Comments » 22
creepykev#228270 writes:
come on man those long rambling columns of yours just suck.
vol52 writes:
What about Mikey Hamilton?
DSaVol writes:
For John Adams: A new job that he can be competent at.
pdhuff#552644 writes:
vol52- Mikey Hamilton- that would be praying for ole' Phil to win this bowl game. Notice how silent he's been on this last bit of publicity (from Atl to Madison, Wisto ESPN etc.) re the inelgibles. Bunker mentality?
james#216392 writes:
You can stick Ohio State and their Christmas wish for a National Championship where the sun don't shine. How can you give them a Championship when they don't deserve to even be there? Go SEC/LSU/Vols.
eefor10c writes:
For John Adams--A new brain and a one way ticket to anywhere but here. What at waste of space--and they pay you for this?
etvolfan writes:
Didn't he get whacked in Monroe County? Oh, wait that was the other John Adams?
cdldoc#211897 writes:
How did John Adams get to be an editor?
mtnvol writes:
For John Adams: A tim tebow blowup doll.
bloodrunsorange writes:
Our troops: Our support. I might not always disagree with you, but that comment means there's hope for you. So maybe there's hope for me. I still HATE Bama and Flordia is really getting my attention. I just can't help it even at this time of the year when we all have so much to be thankful! Merry Christmas John you are part of my life everyday, right or wrong.
Good2BaVol writes:
Lets not give Buckeye Bob what he wants this year....because sometimes Les is More. Go SEC Go LSU...maks the SEC proud... and Go Vols
justingh1 writes:
Love the part about the cops pay them better and let them "glock em"
IceVol writes:
It made me laugh
Merry Christmas Ya'll
txsvol#372416 writes:
I'll be willing to give a personally guided tour of the Alamo to the basketballers when they make it to the Final Four, complete with the officially sanctioned, Daughters of the Texas Republic-approved version of what happened! Would recommend Stephen Harrigan's "Gates of the Alamo" as a historic- fictional account as the Vol fans want to prepare for their trip. The Sweet Sixteen actually had a guy in an Orange coat and a coonskin cap! Too old to be Davy Crockett, though. (For you literalists, the guy is too young. Davy died at age 50, and that was 171 years ago.) From the Golden Age of Television, velvet-voiced Henry Guerra (who also operated a funeral home) narrated a series of what happened each day of "Thirteen Days of the Alamo" seige and fall (available through Jim Berg at Matson Multimedia in San Antonio). I have it in storage somewhere. Caught the part of the Xavier-UT game right after the technical, and I was impressed with their hustle and grit! I expect them to make it here come March! Go Vols! SAVol
rootin4volz writes:
Jesse Smithey: A more exciting radio personality that's flavored something other than "bland vanilla."
BigOrangeJeff writes:
Santa would have to give OSU a championship, 'cuz they can't win one on the field.
slambob2#228938 writes:
Great column, John. Thanks
southernACmavs writes:
HAMILITON needs a new puppet string for Thunder Thornton to pull.. Paw Fulmer needs a new Offence. PHAT LIP CHAVIS needs a salad.. Slade needs a new JOB.. Tennessee fans need A CHAMPIONSHIP,A FLORIDA VICTORY,ALABAMA VICTORY AND ANOTHER RECRUITING NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP..
Singaporehillbilly writes:
The Knoxville News Sentinel - A new sports editor.
etvolfan writes:
"We are going to work like heck and stay the course"
pdhuff#552644 writes:
true -etvolfan-also "to get better". I kinda liked about the suspensions "they'll all be ready next year". Oh well, Merry Christmas to all.
TommyJack writes:
For Travis Henry: A large box of condoms
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