Associated Press
St. Louis Rams linebacker Leonard Little has learned to deal with his mistakes.
ST. LOUIS - The 10- and 11-year-old boys say they know all about him. They know he is a larger-than-life football star who makes millions of dollars, performs in giant stadiums and races across their television screens on Sundays.
They are sixth- and seventh-graders at the Loyola Academy of St. Louis, a small all-boys Jesuit middle school that sits in the shadows of the Fox Theatre. They sit in this brightly lit classroom with their eager faces, their blue polo shirts and beige khaki pants, and are giggling and joking. They have been
keenly anticipating the arrival of the tall, muscular man in the loose-fitting jeans, starched striped cotton shirt and spotless white Nike sneakers who has just walked into the room.
"I want to tell you guys a story," Leonard Little said in a gentle voice spiced with a soft Southern lilt.
The boys stop giggling and they snap to attention as Little sits on the top step of a three-tiered choir riser, leans his back against the dry eraser board and settles under a 12-inch-long silver crucifix.
You can draw your own conclusions about the symbolism of this juxtaposition, but it's impossible to ignore it because Little had come to this classroom to pay for his sins.
"I want you guys to pay attention to what I'm about to say," the former University of Tennessee star said.
You could hear in his voice how uncomfortable he was. He stuttered a bit, occasionally looking into the audience to establish eye contact with a friend for some reassurance that he was saying all the right things. But the longer he spoke, you could also hear the eagerness in his voice, too. These were words and emotions that he was aching to get out of his gut. He's been keeping this pain inside for a long time, and even if it sounded a bit uncomfortable, it felt liberating.
"Please don't do what I did," he said. "I killed someone and I constantly think about the hurt I caused that family. I'm not a bad person, but I made a bad decision, and it cost someone her life and ruined her family's lives. You don't want that burden on you."
Even if you don't want to forgive him, Leonard Little wants to say he's sorry, and it has taken him nearly 10 years to get up the nerve to do this publicly.
So what we witnessed on this Tuesday afternoon was another phase in the personal penance the Rams defensive end is paying as retribution for the fateful night of Oct. 19, 1998, when he climbed behind the wheel of his Lincoln Navigator and made two fateful turns out of a hotel parking area, then struck and killed Susan Gutweiler.
The toxicology reports said Little was drunk, and he was convicted of involuntary manslaughter and served 90 days in jail. There are plenty of angry people out there who think Little got off easy, that his sentence was too short, that the punishment didn't fit the crime. It might surprise you to know that for a long time, Leonard Little was one of those people.
"A few weeks later, I tried to kill myself," he said Tuesday afternoon as he sat inside the principal's office sipping bottled water. "I had gone back home to my mom's house outside Knoxville, and the first thing I did was just go down in her basement. It had no windows, just a bathroom, a sink and a television. I stayed in the dark for days. All I did was cry. I couldn't deal with what I'd done."
His mother could see the pain eating away at him. His mother made him go see a psychologist in Knoxville. He saw her four or five days a week. One day in broad daylight as he was driving a little rental Toyota on his way home from the psychologist's office, still unable to shed the guilt, Little stared at the tall trees that lined both sides of the highway.
"It was like I was in one of those movies where the good angel is on one shoulder and the bad one's on the other," he said. "Well the bad one kept telling me, 'Just go ahead Leonard, turn the wheel. It'll be easy. Crash into those trees and all this pain will be over.' "
As Little talked, he held his hands out in front of him like he was driving.
"I actually did turn the wheel," he said. "I did it. I tried to end my life. I swerved the steering wheel. But like I said, I guess there was a good angel on my other shoulder, because just as soon as I swerved, I turned the wheel right back."
When he got home, he told his mother what he almost did.
"I was ready to end my life, Mom," he said. "All she did was look at me and say, 'Do you want your daughter to live like you did without a father (his father left his house shortly after he was born)?' I said no. Then she said, 'Well you can't kill yourself. You can't do that to her.' I told her I wouldn't do it again, but I still went back into that basement in the dark."
He tells the schoolboys this story:
"I want to give you an example of my life," he said. "I don't ever want you to do what I did or have to feel what I feel because it's not an easy thing to deal with. I killed someone and I think about it every day."
He knows the Gutweiler family will never forgive him and he understands. He wants them to forgive him, but "It's not in my hands. I understand what they're going through. If or when they decide they're ready to forgive me, well that's all in their hands."
But in the meantime, he suffers privately every day. October 19 will haunt him the rest of his life. It is his birthday, and he says he hates his birthday.
"I don't celebrate it," he said. "I don't want anyone to give me presents. What's there to celebrate? It's an annual reminder of what I did. My mom tried to give me a surprise party a few years ago and we got into a big fight over it."
On every Sunday Rams home game, he will drive past that corner that changed his life on his way from the team hotel to the Edward Jones Dome.
Is that a coincidence, he's asked?
"Not exactly," he said. "I could go any number of ways to the game. I go because I need to remind myself of what I did."
Guilt is a powerful force. It does things to your head and your heart that you are often unprepared for. In the fall of 2005, Little had contemplated bringing his younger brother to live with him in St. Louis.
"I knew he was running the streets back and home getting into no good, and I thought maybe if I got him up here I could save him," Little said. "But then folks started talking to me and suggested that if he came up here, he might still get in trouble. And now it's here and it would stick to me. So I decided that it wasn't such a good idea."
A few weeks later, his brother was killed near Knoxville by a female acquaintance.
"For a while I felt a little guilt," he said. "But the truth is, I probably couldn't have saved him."
The woman who shot Little's brother was found guilty of voluntary manslaughter, and Leonard Little was faced with one of those defining twists of fate.
Now it was his turn to forgive someone for killing someone he loved. Could he do it?
"I couldn't be mad with her," he said. "The Bible always talks about forgiveness and I am not a perfect man. I had no choice. What happened to her already happened to me, too. How could I not forgive her after all that had happened to me?"
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Comments » 75
miamiVOL writes:
anyway you slice it, still an irresponsible killer
mike#214995 writes:
You who are without sin cast the first stone.
CoverOrange writes:
I would have been more impressed if he had sent the family a check every month for half his salary.
hcjournals#206623 writes:
Before this gets out of control, two of the three posts ahead of me were from jackasses. Tap on the brakes, realize that this is a story of one of our family members who made tragic mistakes and is trying to get his life back in order. The woman who suffered the most is the greatest tragedy here. Her family has never and will never be the same. This is not a happy story. But there is hope for the future. Leonard is trying. And suffering. He will never make up for the pain he caused. He will never stop paying for his mistake. But if he helps a hundred people, or even a thousand people from doing the same thing, some good has come out of it. It's far from fair or perfect, but it is in fact all we have...
londonvol writes:
I heard Pastor say years ago "If money can fix the problem, it is not a problem" Sounds like Mr. Little knows this.
TommyJack writes:
Not a lot of forgiveness from several mullets on this board.
golfballs03 writes:
Actions speak louder than words. If he was truly sorry and felt real remorse, he wouldn't have been caught drinking and driving again 5 years later.
Phowell23 writes:
If by speaking to these kids he saves a life then he has made up for his mistake. What is not told here is 6 years after he did this he was arrested again for drunk driving. Also, the above report states he spent 90 days in jail which is not true. He spent most of the 90 day sentence in a "work house" in St. Louis. Also, the NFL suspensed him for 8 games. Is this a fair sentence for killing a 47 year old woman who left behind a son and husband? No, not even close. Is Little trying to make up for it in other ways and suffering everyday internally? Yes.
VOLS85 writes:
listen sanders...a murderer is someone who killed with intent...Little was irresponsible and made his own mistakes, and he has to live with them the rest of his life. However, he did not mean to kill this person. This is why he was not charged with murder. And how dare you sit on your perch with this holier than thou attitude. You're scum.
The fact that you compare him to a cold blooded murderer like OJ speaks to the fact that you are ignorant and have no perspective. Unless you have something insightful to add here, go somewhere else.
The magnitude of people hurt by this incident is unexplainable, and because you hate the tennessee program, you let your hate spew and that's sad.
rllipscomb#212376 writes:
Just some more gutless people making comments behind their fake internet names. Does anyone believe these people would be as insulting in person as they are on the net?
Hundreds, and maybe thousands, of people read this site. My guess is that virtually everyone who has read this story has judged Little as harshly as he appears to judge himself. I cannot remember anyone suggesting Little get off free. He went through the legal system, criminal and civil, and has paid what was required of him.
But of the hundereds, thousands of people who read this story and reach a similar conclusion, only a handful need to use the anonymity of the net to take a free shot at someone. That is because they are gutless cowards in life, and this is the only way they can act like men.
At least Little has repented of his sins. These jackasses go on and on.
thesavageorange writes:
KingsportVol ,I agree w/ General.Solid post!
Ralph_Crampton writes:
I saw a recent survey that stated that one out of every 10 Americans have driven a car under the influence....I believe that is a low figure. This is an alcohol society< Suddenly-rich athletes are unprecictable as they enter life of the rich and famous...It appears that the cosumption of alcohol is ingrained in our society. True, like some who say, "just don't drink alcoholic beverages, if you do, don't get behind the wheel of a car." That doesn't seem to work, if it did, look how happy the pro sports teams would be as they continously have their star players in trouble because of alcohol...or dope. If it wasn't for beer ads on tv...the sports teams we see play on tv for free would fade away...true 35-per-cent of Americans claim they do not drink whatsoever. Drunk driving in America if one is not involved in an accident is still only a misdemeanor...same category as speeding, jaywalking, etc. The Liquor industry in this country is so powerful that you will never see draconian measures such as some countries in Europe treat Drunk-driving to the degree that the driver's car is confiscated on the spot and he spends two years in jail. The powerful liquor industry is so powerful that you will never see that in America.
alfrizzle097 writes:
Little made a mistake and is suffering for it. I know I would. I don't like driving on campus because I am scared to death I won't notice a pedestrian when I'm making a turn. It would haunt me forever. Little seems to be sorry for what he did. Forgive, but don't forget.
Pullingguard writes:
Are your saying WD40 that Money cures all, just send a check and everything will be OK... Hardly:
In a situation like this how do you overcome and at the same time gain the respect of the victims family where they know you are sincere and forgiving. For those who have couple of drinks or 3 beers and drive the situation is ripe for happening...
dfreeman writes:
I once went out drinking with friends of mine my freshman year in college! On the way back we split up from the other couple at work and the last friend and I decided to go to a club! As it turned out I had to open the next morning and get up at 8am! I decided to stay home and sleep off the haze! On her way back from this club she ran off the road on the straightes stretch of that road! It threw her some 150 yards from the car and killed her instantly. I live with that everyday and that was 14 years ago! I let her drive that night! I understand 1/2 the guilt Little is going through! I didn't kill her or make her drive home, but I still feel responsible and will forever! For some on here to equate Little to OJ shows complete stupidity! Did he get off easy? By the law, YES! Did he get off easy with life? Not even close! He'll be tormented forever because of that!
volmot writes:
For the record; 5 years later he was allegedly driving drunk. He was found not guilty in an jury trial.
CoverOrange writes:
No, I'm not, Pulling. I wouldn't be surprised if the family never cashed the checks. It wasn't about paying them off as more making him pay.
What I read is that it took him TEN YEARS to do something responsible about it. For 10 years HE was in HIS emotional hell. But HE did nothing about it. While that family sat in their empty house and watched him play every Sunday, collecting millions. He wallowed in his own self pity but in a nice house with nice amenities.
It means nothing to that family for me or anyone on this board to forgive him. I can offer understanding, but in this case I can't understand why it took 10 years.
Yes, I have gotten behind the wheel after a few but I'm dang sure I wasn't anywhere near 0.19%.
As for what a pastor says, anybody can come up with a pithy little saying that sounds deep.
DenmarkVol_aka_Mbumburu writes:
There but for the Grace of God go I. Don't know about you folks, but my youth featured several instances where this could have been me. My own recklessness and irresponsibility as a kid could have cost several lives. And I came close on several occasions.
There's a great movie about this sort of thing. Jack Nicholson and David Morse. I think it's called "The Crossing Guard."
Leonard has this cross to bear. It's his until he reaches the other side. From this article, sounds like he's doing the best he can do deal with it. My guess is we'd all deal with it differently.
illorangevol writes:
It is always amazing to me how so many people are so eager to pass jusdgement on some one when they have no absolutely none of the facts that lie behind a person. No one on this site can possibly know his heart, yet they insist on making comments about which they have no knowledge for the singular purpose of passing judgement, and making themselves appear to be at a higher cognitive level then their neighbor.
The guy is obviously suffering a great deal of pain that most of us can't even begin know. He is trying to do the honorable thing in preventing the same behavior in other people who are willing to listen.
Until you know all of the facts, as in knowing exactly the full context of what is in his heart and mind, take him at his word and let him be.
orangebloodgmc writes:
What Denmark said. I did foolish stuff in the past; it could have been me instead of Little, but for some reason it wasn't.
invisiblekid writes:
Little should come and tell his story to all the incoming freshmen on the Hill. He'll never make up for his actions but he can at least try to make some good out of the situation. I can understand the lack of sympathy for him though given that he chose to do the same thing 5 years later. It's a terrible situation for everyone involved, including Little, and I am thankful I have never been in his position.
johnsonsmile69#240092 writes:
Well I'm a killer. Yep I did it and i'm not sorry about it either. I had help too. Well let me clear this up before someone calls the cops. I spent a year in Iraq. I was one of the 1st people in, and saw more than my share of "stuff".
I understand where Leonard Little is coming from.
It kinda eats ya you over time. Knowing that you have mess up a family. His was mistake in judgement that he will have to live with. No matter what he does he can't even think they will forgive him. People think time in jail is the best way to fix this stuff. If he is anything like me in this regard. He is in more of a hell than any jail would ever be. Like i said i'm not sorry for what i did. Heck, they where trying to do the samething to me. I just feel bad for the kids that don't have a dad or Mom. Anyway my point is Jail don't fix stuff like this, and $$$$ don't either. He got a life sentence.
movol77 writes:
For the offender, guilt/shame is the pain. For the offended, anger/rage/bitterness the pain. The only relief is forgiveness.
hmhawk writes:
Leonard is still one of my favorite Vols.Unless you can speak of this first hand you can not understand his situation.I was stone cold sober on my way to work one morning when a man chose to run in front of me to commit suicide.Twenty years later pedestrians on the road side still scare the hell out of me.A lot of you are fortunate to never have this experience drinking or sober.Trust me,I know what Leonard feels inside.
movol77 writes:
"For the offender, guilt/shame is the pain."
Qualification. Of course, if you're jerk who preys on another persons sins, then you feel PRIDE in your mockery.
hmhawk writes:
movol77 you are right on.Johnsonsmiles69 I salute you brother and am glad for your safe return.
GreerVol22 writes:
Adams.....Chris Low scooped you with Lofton's feel good story and you can't stand it. Just how many trash hounds do you have working on current and former player misfortunes anyway? Next thing you know we'll be reading about how many abortions former Lady Vols have had and how many child support payments Travis Henry has missed in 2007. Anything to smear UT....KNS is akin to National Enquirer.
Sorry folks, the pastor really had us fired up today.
GreerVol22 writes:
movol77, your first 7:16 post is too spooky, I heard almost those exact words today.
movol77 writes:
GreerVol22, it took me far too many years to recognize the truth and power in forgiveness. No need to take it as irony. Take it to heart. :)
Phowell23 writes:
Before this turns into a blast KNS thread, this was written by the St. Louis Post. Not that I enjoy John Adams and would love to see him gone.
bustervols writes:
I hope some good will come out of all this. Life is not going to balance the mishaps of freewill. Justfying a wrong with what's right will never suffice.
bustervols writes:
Please excuse my spelling, I meant to say justifying.
Ralph_Crampton writes:
Just a reminder about drunk driving cases...The prosecuter in local courts hates to present his case before a jury of twelve men and women..Why? Generally, one or two or more jurors have probably drove under the influence sometime, and they think of the accused drunk driver, " there, but for the grace of God the drunk driver could have been me." Therefore it is very difficult to get a conviction before a jury. Like it or not, this is the way it is in America.
BSweet writes:
Hi all. First time poster here, but long time reader. It's not that I don't have sympathy for Leonard, but I have more sympathy for the family who have mourned the loss of a mother, a wife, a sister, and a daughter for the past 10 years. I'm glad Leonard is remorseful, but the fact is an act of stupidity on his part brought about their loss. I don't condemn him as that is not my place, but as much as he is painted as a victim himself, let's not forget the consequences he bares are from his own actions. The family did not choose for him to get behind the wheel that fateful night. I hope something positive can come from this tragedy, but I doubt that will ever erase the pain from the hearts of the loved ones left behind. I kind of wish this article included some comment from them, as they are the ones that Leonard has offended, not us. But that's just my opinion.
CoverOrange writes:
Big Daddy, to what facts are you referring? The facts regarding your own life and what they have to do with Leonard? Did I say I knew his intent, then or now? No. I can't. Only God really knows. For the rest of us, actions speak louder than words.
Maybe you and your best friend are and can be convinced of Leonard's sincerity. I CAN'T KNOW THAT. The family of the woman he hit can not know that unless he does something to prove it. Now he did. Great. Doing more would help more. Might have helped him if he had done it 10 years ago, or 9 or 8.
Leonard made a mistake and was unlucky. No where did I impugn his character. I have made thousands of mistakes and was lucky that they didn't affect anyone's life. DaddyVol made a mistake and lived to tell about it and it changed his life. Great. How? Doesn't seem to have increased his reading comprehension skills. Never did I say "eye for an eye". I don't believe God works that way.
Had I been in Little's shoes at the tender age of 22 I can't say for sure what I would have done. Suicide probably would have crossed my mind. What I believe now at age 44 is atone for your offenses to those that you offended. I would think someone would have told him that years ago.
To that end, to those offended by reading more into what I wrote than what was there...I am truly sorry that you read that much.
To those offended by this way to long, rambling post. Never mind, you didn't get this far anyway.
Oh, BTW, BigDaddy, Mike was chastising MiamiVol. Try to read the all 9 words before you get red in the face with indignation.
CoverOrange writes:
Darn good first post BSweet.
BY_HIS_WOUNDS_WE_ARE_HEALED writes:
FORGIVE EVERYONE AS I HAVE FORGAVE YOU. POWERFUL WORDS SPOKEN BY THE ONLY PERFECT MAN TO WALK THE EARTH, JESUS CHRIST! IT IS NOT FOR US TO JUDGE, ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE!
jfg1980 writes:
FORGIVE MY ASS! He was drunk and killed somebody. He's a dirtbag that got off because he has money.
GreerVol22 writes:
Phowell, there all KNS threads no matter who writes the story. Adams as editor can choose to, or not to run the story.
dfreeman writes:
Kingsport - Thanks!
bbbocker#242767 writes:
It's becoming more and more difficult to stomach what many of you think.... and then have the gall to post. I think the best thing that could happen is for the comment section to be removed. At least then I could pretend that some of you aren't as stupid, heartless, judgemental, and even evil as your words seem to indicate. I don't know what LL is going through, or the family of the woman that was killed, or LL's mother, or...... it doesn't matter. I just hope that if I ever am faced with a similar circumstance with a friend or loved one, I will handle it better than some of you suggest.
FWBVol writes:
I'm not a huge Adams fan myself, but as someone that has spent some time in the newspaper business I don't think John Adams has as much imput on some stories as people would like to think. The KNS has an executive sports editor, and most papers go through a budget process in deciding what stories to run for all of their sections.
A large part of the time, John Adams is, say, covering a game in Gainesville or Athens while the decisions are being made about which stories to run. He might have some imput into the story selection, but probably not the final say. That's just my guess.
drakosben1#216420 writes:
The Bible says that hatred is the same as murder, leonard didn't hate when he hit that car, it was an accident. Obama's pastor espouses hatred, of "America",of whites, etc. But he and Obama are heroes, people worship them, but hate Leonard Little. Remember those who exalt themselves shall be humbled, and those who humble themselves shall be exalted. Political correctness is punishing our country. Do you want unrighteousness in the White House? Your White House citizens. This article is a stark reminder of the simplicities of life, do you ever think so of these reverends spend time in their basements for things they think or say?
newtonrail writes:
Most of this has been covered one way or the other by most of you over and over. The one thing I didn't see in the story or posts was the family filed civil charges against Little for monetary damages for loss of Mother, spouse, etc. I am sure Little had to keep quiet as instructed by his attorneys. It affected not only his future, but his future ability to pay anyone damages.
Sammy_Burklow_IsAMoron writes:
Hmmm, this changes the equation: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2004...
MissUT writes:
Leonard Little is a member of our Vol family and needs our support. He made a horrible mistake, and he will live with the consequences for the rest of his life. Two families were forever changed that night. Forgiveness and understanding does not mean that we somehow agree with what he did or that we don't think it was wrong or that he should not be punished. It simply means we find in our hearts to forgive him so that our sins will be also be forgiven. He is one of us...a Vol forever...and we should just love him and pray that he and the Gutweiler family will find peace. This situation could be any of us...we all have our crosses to bear...our sins, pains, and guilt...yours and mine are just not spread all over the newspapers and media.
adamsck#591720 writes:
"I'm not a bad person, but I made a bad decision . . ."
What a tragedy all the way around. Good for Leonard that he is finally talking about it and asking for forgiveness. It was a terrible thing but who am I to judge. I hope that Leonard and the Gutweiler family can find some peace. What a terrible burden they all bear. We should all say a prayer for the Gutweilers AND Leonard Little.
99gator writes:
whenever something of this nature happens....i think....what if it had been a member of my family who was the victim.
for me, there are some things i can't or won't forgive.
some of you may consider that right or wrong....i don't know, but that's how i am.
but, for me, that is why there is a god. god is capable of showing that level of forgiveness. sadly, i am merely human and would not be able to come up with the level of compassion to forgive something like this.
someone kills a member of my family, then is on the street, making millions playing football.....i would have a hard time dealing with that....hard time. a hell of a lot harder time than little had dealing with what he did.
jcorange98 writes:
not half his check, all of it
he's an idiot, he should have been sentenced to be their butler
TommyJack writes:
I thought he was acquitted of the second beef.
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