Becoming a college football coach at an SEC school is tantamount to hitting the lottery. You're basically set for life.
But suppose there was no football team to coach. How do you think the group of SEC coaches would fare on the open market in a brutal economy?
My guess: They would do just fine. In fact, I could see them functioning successfully in a number of other jobs.
Urban Meyer - The Florida coach looks as though he could have been related to my drill sergeant, so it's easy to picture him in the military. But he's obviously too skilled a leader to spend his career in basic training.
Instead, he probably would move up the ranks to general before eventually settling in at the White House.
Don't ask whether he would have the public-relations touch for campaigning. Who said anything about a campaign? I'm talking military coup.
Clearly, tough times are coming. We don't need a President lamenting our past mistakes in the presence of foreigners. We need someone who can bring down ICBMs with a stare.
That's Urban Meyer.
Steve Spurrier - South Carolina's coach would look right at home in a robe and a southern courtroom. Imagine his face turning red as he cocks his head in disgust while some fast-talking spin master argues on the behalf of an obviously guilty client.
His nickname would be "Max" as in "maximum sentence."
Mark Richt - The Georgia coach's calm demeanor would serve him well as a doctor. If you were diagnosed with a terminal illness, it would be better to get the news from Richt than any other football coach in the SEC (unless, of course, you would rather hear Nick Saban scream, "You're outta here").
Lane Kiffin - Tennessee's coach is tall, blonde, tanned and lived in California. He might not know a driver from a sand wedge, but he looks like a golf instructor.
However, his look would better reward him as a sports agent. With his deadpan expression, he could present a more outrageous deal than Scott Boros and still be taken seriously.
Gene Chizik - The first-year Auburn coach strikes me as the strong, silent type who would be at home on the range, just as former Alabama coach Gene Stallings is back home in Texas. If Chizik didn't have a team to manage, he could run a ranch.
Bobby Petrino - Although the Arkansas coach might come across as softspoken in an interview, his toughness is evident on the sideline. In fact, he has the tough look of a big-city police chief. How about Boston?
Houston Nutt - How could you not buy a car from this guy?
He's animated, upbeat and has the best laugh among SEC coaches. He also can look absolutely devastated in defeat. Only a sociopath could bear to tell him no.
Les Miles - The LSU coach would be suited for almost any job in which he could wear a helmet, except maybe a fireman, whose headgear would be too big.
Cable guy? Maybe. But my first pick would be telephone repairman.
Rich Brooks - Kentucky's coach has the distinguished look of a successful banker. And like any other SEC head football coach, he has plenty of experience handling large sums of money, including his paycheck.
Dan Mullen - If Brooks were a bank president, Mississippi State's first-year coach could be the vice president. I'm just not sure if he's ready for the top job.
Bobby Johnson - At his first SEC football media days, the Vanderbilt coach was asked about his resemblance to actor Steve Martin. That was nothing new, he said. Japanese tourists on the West Coast once mistook him for Martin.
Coaching Vanderbilt hasn't aged him out of a job. As long as his white hair is intact, he's the perfect Steve Martin body double.
Nick Saban - The Alabama coach can do almost anything - as long as he is in charge. He could run your restaurant, your police force, your brokerage firm, your newsroom or your movie.
Can you imagine some prima donna actor telling Saban, the director, that "I'm not comfortable with this scene?"
Once he became bored with reducing actors to mush, Saban might find civil service rewarding. Surely, Meyer could use a secretary of state, who could scream loudly enough to be heard over the tanks rolling in support behind him.
Sports editor John Adams may be reached at 865-342-6284 or firstname.lastname@example.org.