With only seven more days left in 2011, it's time to look ahead to 2012:
January
Peyton Manning announces his retirement from pro football to focus on charity work.
Kim Kardashian buys Los Angeles Dodgers and immediately begins dating an infielder, two relievers and one starting pitcher.
Vanderbilt releases its 2011 football highlight DVD, comprised solely of its regulation-game tie with Tennessee.
Quarterback Tim Tebow fails to complete a pass but runs for two touchdowns and drop-kicks game-winning field in last regular-season game as Denver Broncos make playoffs.
February
In his first charitable venture since retiring, Manning signs on as an offensive consultant for University of Tennessee football.
Khloe Kardashian announces plans to downsize.
ESPN forms a new network, ESPNO, with the intent of televising obscure sports.
Albert Haynesworth named new president of Ndamukong Suh fan club.
Washington State changes its team name to Pirates.
March
ESPNO signs contract with the University of Memphis, agreeing to televise four of the Tigers' football games for each of the next three seasons.
Manning offers interest-free loans to NBA players who suffered financial hardships during the lockout.
Former UT athletic director Mike Hamilton tweets, "Looking forward to tennis season" after Kentucky beats UT by 50 points in SEC tournament.
Khloe Kardashian divorces power forward Lamar Odom and hooks up with San Antonio Spurs point guard Tony Parker.
Survey shows that 986 of 1,011 NFL analysts agree Tebow is incapable of playing quarterback in the NFL.
April
UT wins SEC baseball game.
Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington reveals in new book, "Dugout Diet," how to lose weight while watching baseball.
ESPNO documentary "Strike" takes viewers behind the scenes of Vanderbilt's bowling dynasty.
Boston Red Sox players file grievance with the Major League Baseball Players Association after manager disallows open bar in dugout.
Manning helps clothe five NBA small forwards after cleaning out his closets.
Survey shows that 734 of 1,011 NFL analysts agree Tebow should be banned from the NFL for "bastardizing" the game.
Ohio State coach Urban Meyer faints on sideline after Braxton Miller completes only three passes in spring game.
May
UT athletic director Dave Hart converts conference room into a "Roll Tide" lounge so former Alabama administrators on staff can rehash their glory days in T-Town.
Natalie Portman lands leading role in ESPNO movie, "Dark Dancer," which depicts the troubled life of a former UT cheerleader obsessed with making it big in competitive clogging.
As television rating plummet, NASCAR announces it will implement rules changes to make the rest of the season more exciting and fan friendly.
June
Jerry Sandusky's first day in prison doesn't go well.
Texas A&M coaches and administrators show their school spirit by singing the "Aggie War Hym" on the opening night of the SEC spring meetings.
Missouri football coach Gary Pinkel shows his school spirit by closing down the hotel bar.
Penn State bestows honorary degree on Denny McLain.
NASCAR requires all cars to be equipped with gun racks.
July
Penn State bestows honorary degree on Art Schlichter.
Mexico City University and Concordia University of Montreal join Big East for football only.
President Obama announces he will not seek re-election.
NASCAR requires all drivers to wear eye patch.
August
Surgeon replaces Smokey's damaged knee ligament with the ligament from a greyhound cadaver.
UT coach Derek Dooley announces three-punter rotation for the opening game against N.C. State.
President Obama signs a three-year deal with TNT as an analyst for NBA basketball.
Tony Stewart wins and two other drivers finish at Pocono.
The University of Melbourne (Australia) joins Big East for tennis only.
September
Smokey rolls over and plays dead after being clocked at 38 miles per hour while running through the "T" in Vols' home opener.
Florida coach Will Muschamp bites an official in fourth quarter of loss to UT.
Due to popular demand, UT band repeats its "Wizard of Oz" halftime from 2010.
Charles Barkley says he will run for President in 2016.
Kelley Washington named president of Da'Rick Rogers fan club.
The University of Cape Town (South Africa) joins the Big East for golf only.
October
Tennessee rushes for more than 100 yards in a single game.
SEC official returns to work after rabies test is negative.
Ndamukong Suh rips off helmet and right ear of Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler.
Penn State bestows honorary degree on Tonya Harding.
Meyer hospitalized after loss to Wisconsin.
Big East announces its 2013 conference football championship will be played in Seoul, South Korea.
November
No one injured when North end zone stands collapse during fourth quarter of UT-Troy State game at Neyland Stadium.
NFL Roger Goodell says league will take serious action to curb on-the-field violence.
Tennessee fans tear down goal posts at Vanderbilt Stadium after come-from-behind victory over the Commodores.
Following injuries to two quarterbacks, Kentucky moves defensive tackle Mister Cobble to quarterback and upsets UT with 300-pound rushing attack.
Meyer tells ABC sideline reporter how important family time is after Buckeyes fall 10 points behind Michigan at halftime.
December
South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier points out that you can't spell Music City Bowl without a "u" and a "t" after Vols qualify for a trip to Nashville.
NFL announces an immediate two-game suspension for anyone who removes a body part of an opposing player during a game.
ESPNO announces plans to televise 2013 Big East football championship game.
Penn State bestows honorary degree on O.J. Simpson.
John Adams is a senior columnist. He may be reached at 865-342-6284 or adamsj@knoxnews.com. Follow him at http://twitter.com/johnadamskns.
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Comments » 41
bspurlingcac#225603 writes:
You are a joke! Give it up!!!
movol77 writes:
"RIDICUROUS"
VOLS_SEC_RULES writes:
It's Christmas Eve, not New Year's Eve. Put the bottle away Adams.
BigOrangeSmoker writes:
this should show KNS what a drunk johnboy is
SignalMtnVol writes:
"Kelley Washington named president of Da'Rick Rogers fan club."
That one actually made me chuckle.....
MidTennVol writes:
Actually, those are quite good, Mr. Adams. I'm impressed. Where do you get your material?
VOLinTX writes:
As some have posted, a bit early, however; this was very good. Mr. Adams has a good sense of humor. Merry Christmas everyone.
ETownVol writes:
Useless drivel.
RockyToptoNeyland writes:
i know this was a whole joke, but you really shouldnt have said that thing about the stands falling, not cool man
CoverOrange writes:
Not his best effort. Par for the course for him.
tovolny writes:
TERRIBLE attempt at humor!!!!....This guy has to go...COME ON KNS. But really, about 80% of this stuff was worthy of a chuckle. The rest was kind of poor taste. The remarks about Hart and about Peyton Manning are just not sitting well with me. Maybe I just have too much respect for UT and what the University means to me. With a little bit of EDITING, this might not have been so DISTASTE-FUL. I do wish ole Long John would just hang it up. He is the opposite of MIDUS...everything he touches takes on an aura of human waste.
volmania_82 writes:
what the hell did I just read!?!?!
oldster writes:
I agree that UT will not beat UF. However, I disagree that they have a coach. He is a southern fried version of Lane Kiffin. I would rather have DD than Muschamp (and that is not saying much). I hope that UT can beat Vandy, would not be surprised if KY beat the Vols again, and would be surprised if they qualified for any bowl since the "stars" seem to only want to play in a championship bowl for which this group have ZERO chance (thanks in great part to the attitudes of the "stars").
clarksvillevol writes:
I thought is was a humorous bit. End zone stands collapsing.... a bit over the top, however.
seofeed writes:
Guys it's satire and John does this every year. Get a grip. John, maybe you should introduce the column before getting right into it. Entertaining as always but could have ended better.
halloffamebowler writes:
If the same was said by some dumb wana be on Comedy Central,you would have thought it was really funny. Coming from Adams,you did not think it funny.
Why don't you and all the other butt holes just shut the help up.
Merry Christmas anyway.
skyhawk836 writes:
But, we've got you.
decades_vol writes:
Merl, don't you mean "we have a few things that they don't", meaning "we" as the Gators, and "they" as UT. And speaking of superlatives, "your" former successful coach bolted Gainesville when he saw what was developing in the SEC West, and emerged after rehab at Ohio State. Your new coach has some type of hyperactive disorder and he jumps up and down like a grammar-school kid when things don't go his way, which was pretty often during his 6-6 season. And defense? I watched Alabama and LSU torch Florida's defense like professional arsonists. Four other teams managed to outscore the mighty Crocks as well. No, Merl, "your" team is much closer to the Vols right now, record and all. Two rebuilding programs at best, Merl, not one. Call your buddies in Gainesville and tell them to start "working like heck". 6-6 record, 3-5 SEC, coached by someone who needs a valium-drip, and crushed by superior competition. Much more in common with Tennessee, don't you think?
Classof72 writes:
"Texas A&M coaches and administrators show their school spirit by singing the "Aggie War Hym" on the opening night of the SEC spring meetings."
Note: "Hymn" is spelled incorrectly above.
Suggestion: password protect your computer, so that illiterate nonprofessionals do not have access. Use spellcheck on your copy; then just delete it and go back to Birmingham.
clvolfan writes:
John,You had better hope that Peyton doesn't retire,otherwise he might buy KNS and fire you.
tennezz writes:
Good work Adams, I am still laughing.
ULTIMATEVOLUNTEER writes:
You mean the 6-6 Gators? A real powerhouse.
Olcrow writes:
We have more trolls and one has spoken!
OwensboroVol writes:
Some of this was funny. One thing, am I the only one who seriously believes that Peyton will return to Tennessee as a football coach at some point after he retires from the NFL. I believe after a short period as a NFL Assistant, he will return to succeed Derek Dooley as Head Coach. I personally believe, that as a student of the game, Peyton is going to make one hell of a coach and I want him to do it at my Alma Mater.
dirislr#209355 writes:
Just keep writing these columns John. These people who are so critical are reading them. That is why you write them to get readers, right.
Tennfan4075 writes:
Do you really want Dooley around long enough for Peyton to get coaching experience in NFL?
SBWB2 writes:
Dear Mr. Manning,
Please come home and be our C.O. and Quarterback Coach. How great that would be! Please don't risk your health, certainly for your twin's sake. Go out on top. And maybe bring Antone Davis in with you as our New Offensive Line Coach. Just Say'n.
CC: Santa Claus
Anyone Else That Will Dream
gbojrj writes:
Good stuff John. I look forward to this read every year. You haters have got to get a life in 2012...
stevefrommemphis writes:
The point Adams was making was that there will be absolutely NOBODY sitting in the end zone for that meaningless game - or GEORGIA STATE either. Not Georgia, not Georgia Tech, not Florida State, not even Georgia Southern - Georgia STATE!
As a season ticket holder, I'm getting tired of buying tickets for so many meaningless home games.
jhayes0926#638474 writes:
Chill out, Grinches! This was very humorous!!
VOLinMAHWAH writes:
That was funny right there. I don't care who you are!!
Some of you are really uptight and need to put a little more rum in your eggnog!! Spot on Mr Adams!!
AllforTenn writes:
I just read the first three or four and realized that it is Adams trying to be clever again, as every year. Stupidity! Don't wast our time, you failure of a sports editor.
davidray31#232814 writes:
My sentiments exactly! They must know John Adams better than we do. They can't stand him! HA HA
mbible1utk#324980 writes:
I actually liked it... it's hilarious.
utfan36 writes:
u left out u need a better JOB becase u suk at this one!!
tombo7 writes:
Sure hope he's right about Obama.
ncvol17 writes:
70% Lame 30% slight chuckle worthy -should have included lightning bolts from heaven hit Bachman, Gingrich, Perry,and Pizza King in amazing electrical display....
RockyTopinAlabubba writes:
offensive consultant? This guy really is retarded. Go away John. You are about as well liked around here as Paul Finebaum. You know absolutely nothing about Tennessee football,history,or heritage. The name Peyton Manning should never come out of your mouth. You are not worthy enough to speak of such royalty. Nobody in the Vol Nation or this site takes you seriously. You are the joke of the town. Wish Santa would bring you a one way ticket out of Knoxville to anywhere. Maybe Tuscalooser. You would fit in well there,with the other retards. Thanks Cyeee. Merry Christmas and Go Vols
nightwing350 writes:
It's satire you dillholes! Everyone needs to calm down and enjoy the holidays. For those of you who failed english in high school, look up the meaning of satire and then read the article again. And why would you want Peyton Manning to come and coach? So when he goes 6-6 or 7-6 all of you trolls can come out and call for the firing of the greatest quarterback to ever play at UT. Why would he or any of you so called fans want to tarnish his legacy at UT with losing records as a coach? Let's remember him as the greatest player to wear the orange and white jersey and not as a coaching hire gone bad!
jone8191#247590 writes:
John, you made me laugh out loud and that is important the way things are at UT right now.
shoalcreekvol writes:
I thought it was real until I read "Tennessee rushes for more than 100 yards in a single game." Then I knew it was stupid drunken parody.
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