I just completed my Christmas shopping, and it didn't cost me a thing.
Lance Armstrong — The longest nose in sports.
Alex Rodriguez — A booster shot of you know what.
R.A. Dickey — An everlasting knuckle ball.
Mike Strange — Everlasting taillights.
Cordarrelle Patterson — Lots of open field.
Brooklyn Battle — Lots of open shots.
Brendan Quinn — A drawl.
Derek Dooley — Water skis with training wheels and a football analyst's job with a major network.
Tyler Bray — Plastic beer bottles.
Justin Hunter — Glue.
Dan Fleser — A T-shirt that reads, "I kicked cancer's butt."
University of Tennessee ushers — Free meals at the concession stand.
Lindsey Nelson Stadium — An elevator.
Johnny Manziel — See Cordarrelle Patterson.
Cuonzo Martin — A healthy Jeronne Maymon.
Evan Woodbery — Another "r."
The NFL — A Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl.
Archie Manning — Neutrality.
UT — More lawyers on retainer.
Tim Tebow — Escape from New York.
UT basketball — Kentucky in the Big Ten.
Kobe Bryant — His nickname back from De'Anthony Thomas.
Heather Harrington — A "Back Up" bumper sticker.
Tiger Woods — Major improvement.
Jesse Smithey — Showtime.
"Homeland" — Jack Bauer.
"24" — A movie.
Friday Night Lights — A comeback.
Allstate's Mayhem Guy — A movie.
Melinda Adams — More blue-ribbon photos.
Bobby Petrino — A motorcycle with no back seat.
Georgia football — Five more yards or one fewer deflection.
Butch Jones — Four-stars.
Chris Adams — Selective aggressiveness.
My Cook's guys — Better dog detectors or better 40 times.
Jimmy Hyams — A guard dog as good as Chris Adams.
Ella Myers — Another picks panel championship.
Jimmy Cheek — A spot on the picks panel.
Keith Goodwin — A thank-you from the picks panel.
Peyton Newman — A third-floor hockey rink at East Tennessee Children's Hospital.
Dave Hooker — Recruits who can talk as well as they play.
Steve Spurrier — A Dabo Swinney punching bag.
My mother-in-law — A battery-powered button that plays: "Wrong again."
Myrtle Mae — More healthy purrs.
Jim Wogan — See "Dan Fleser."
UT's defense — Help.
UT's 3-4 — Quoth the raven, "Never more."
John Pennington — The best for his Pats and Cats.
Bob Hodge — Sitting ducks.
John Adams — A green jay.
Bob Lovelace — A thank-you from "The Sports Page."
Vince Ferrara — Marco's Pizza.
Ben Easterday — Another go at the Washington Senators fan he KO'd.
Litton's — Baby Jane on a daily basis.
Lady Vols basketball — A regional without Baylor.
Tom Roberts — A best-seller.
Rachel Wise — A bigger pen.
Mike Brown — An Ivy League team to accommodate his Princeton offense.
Los Angeles Lakers — See UT's defense.
Leanne Cox — A hit CD.
Matthew Mitchell — A moon walk on a Final Four stage.
Dana Lobetti — One fewer ring.
Ashley Draper — A band.
Tony Basilio — Another line as good as "Buddy Can't Hackett" (for Sal Sunseri).
Jerry Sandusky — "Oz."
Alzheimer's — More adversaries as strong and committed as Pat Summitt.