John Adams: Naughty or nice, you still get a gift

John Adams

I just completed my Christmas shopping, and it didn't cost me a thing.

Lance Armstrong — The longest nose in sports.

Alex Rodriguez — A booster shot of you know what.

R.A. Dickey — An everlasting knuckle ball.

Mike Strange — Everlasting taillights.

Cordarrelle Patterson — Lots of open field.

Brooklyn Battle — Lots of open shots.

Brendan Quinn — A drawl.

Derek Dooley — Water skis with training wheels and a football analyst's job with a major network.

Tyler Bray — Plastic beer bottles.

Justin Hunter — Glue.

Dan Fleser — A T-shirt that reads, "I kicked cancer's butt."

University of Tennessee ushers — Free meals at the concession stand.

Lindsey Nelson Stadium — An elevator.

Johnny Manziel — See Cordarrelle Patterson.

Cuonzo Martin — A healthy Jeronne Maymon.

Evan Woodbery — Another "r."

The NFL — A Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl.

Archie Manning — Neutrality.

UT — More lawyers on retainer.

Tim Tebow — Escape from New York.

UT basketball — Kentucky in the Big Ten.

Kobe Bryant — His nickname back from De'Anthony Thomas.

Heather Harrington — A "Back Up" bumper sticker.

Tiger Woods — Major improvement.

Jesse Smithey — Showtime.

"Homeland" — Jack Bauer.

"24" — A movie.

Friday Night Lights — A comeback.

Allstate's Mayhem Guy — A movie.

Melinda Adams — More blue-ribbon photos.

Bobby Petrino — A motorcycle with no back seat.

Georgia football — Five more yards or one fewer deflection.

Butch Jones — Four-stars.

Chris Adams — Selective aggressiveness.

My Cook's guys — Better dog detectors or better 40 times.

Jimmy Hyams — A guard dog as good as Chris Adams.

Ella Myers — Another picks panel championship.

Jimmy Cheek — A spot on the picks panel.

Keith Goodwin — A thank-you from the picks panel.

Peyton Newman — A third-floor hockey rink at East Tennessee Children's Hospital.

Dave Hooker — Recruits who can talk as well as they play.

Steve Spurrier — A Dabo Swinney punching bag.

My mother-in-law — A battery-powered button that plays: "Wrong again."

Myrtle Mae — More healthy purrs.

Jim Wogan — See "Dan Fleser."

UT's defense — Help.

UT's 3-4 — Quoth the raven, "Never more."

John Pennington — The best for his Pats and Cats.

Bob Hodge — Sitting ducks.

John Adams — A green jay.

Bob Lovelace — A thank-you from "The Sports Page."

Vince Ferrara — Marco's Pizza.

Ben Easterday — Another go at the Washington Senators fan he KO'd.

Litton's — Baby Jane on a daily basis.

Lady Vols basketball — A regional without Baylor.

Tom Roberts — A best-seller.

Rachel Wise — A bigger pen.

Mike Brown — An Ivy League team to accommodate his Princeton offense.

Los Angeles Lakers — See UT's defense.

Leanne Cox — A hit CD.

Matthew Mitchell — A moon walk on a Final Four stage.

Dana Lobetti — One fewer ring.

Ashley Draper — A band.

Tony Basilio — Another line as good as "Buddy Can't Hackett" (for Sal Sunseri).

Jerry Sandusky — "Oz."

Alzheimer's — More adversaries as strong and committed as Pat Summitt.

John Adams is a senior columnist. He may be reached at 865-342-6284 or adamsj@knoxnews.com. Follow him at http://twitter.com/johnadamskns.

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Comments » 9

TheVolMan writes:

Great article JA. Ignore the low-functioning haters. Obama kicking Romney's butt really rattled their cages. Lol...

LCPanthers (Inactive) writes:

in response to TheVolMan:

Great article JA. Ignore the low-functioning haters. Obama kicking Romney's butt really rattled their cages. Lol...

Agreed.

GOJO writes:

in response to TheVolMan:

Great article JA. Ignore the low-functioning haters. Obama kicking Romney's butt really rattled their cages. Lol...

Volman, you just have to slip politics into eveerything don't you?
Not to worry, Gop still rules Tennessee.
Hope you get your Nerf ball for Christmas.

Johnnysentville writes:

This is complete garbage, I really am upset I actually read this. Please give me the last 45 seconds of my life back.

jmaples54 writes:

in response to Johnnysentville:

This is complete garbage, I really am upset I actually read this. Please give me the last 45 seconds of my life back.

then why waste an additional hour thinking up a comment to post?

pomp_and_circumstance writes:

John Adams was voted the wittiest boy of the sixth grade class, and he hasn't changed a bit.

SummittsCourt writes:

in response to LCPanthers:

Agreed.

You two should enjoy embracing each other more often since your boy says gay marriage is ok.

strops writes:

I'm so disappointed. I scanned the list and didn't see----john adams-a job anywhere but in Knoxville

10seVol85_Part_Deux writes:

JA, Cordarelle Patterson wouldn't be fun to watch with open field. It's his artistry in the crowds he impossibly escapes that makes him exciting and dangerous.

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