John Adams: 2013 could be bad for blondes, good for Vols

John Adams
FILE - In this April 3, 2012, file photo, Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino speaks during a news conference in Fayetteville, Ark., after being released from a hospital after he was injured in a motorcycle accident. A person familiar with the situation says Petrino is out as coach at Arkansas. The person spoke to The Associated Press on the condition of anonymity, and the university has scheduled a Tuesday evening, April 10, 2012, news conference with athletic director Jeff Long. (AP Photo/Gareth Patterson, File)

FILE - In this April 3, 2012, file photo, Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino speaks during a news conference in Fayetteville, Ark., after being released from a hospital after he was injured in a motorcycle accident. A person familiar with the situation says Petrino is out as coach at Arkansas. The person spoke to The Associated Press on the condition of anonymity, and the university has scheduled a Tuesday evening, April 10, 2012, news conference with athletic director Jeff Long. (AP Photo/Gareth Patterson, File)

With only seven days left in 2012, it's time to look ahead to 2013:

January

— University of Arkansas announces it will no longer hire blonde women to work in its athletic department.

— Former New Orleans Saints player tells "60 Minutes" that defensive coordinator Gregg Williams once offered $10,000 to any player who would bite off Kurt Warner's right forefinger in the first half.

— Metta World Peace has his name changed to Metta World Piece Of Work.

— UT female cheerleaders file discrimination suit against university.

— NBA commissioner David Stern fines Miami Heat for playing LeBron James only six minutes in the third quarter of its 105-83 road victory against the Golden State Warriors.

February

— Five thousand women and Bill Clinton protest "blonde ban" at University of Arkansas.

— Former Saints player tells ESPN that defensive coordinator Gregg Williams offered $15,000 to any player who would kidnap a member of Aaron Rodgers' family the week before a 2011 Saints-Packers game.

— Connecticut coach Geno Auriemma tries to kiss Doris Burke during halftime of Rutgers-Connecticut game.

Jimmy Haslam changes name of his NFL team from Browns to Yellow Reds.

— NBA commissioner David Stern fines the Los Angeles Lakers for not playing Kobe Bryant for the last two minutes of the first half in a 120-101 victory at Brooklyn.

March

— Yahoo.com reports that four college players failed to score on NFL's Wonderlic Test.

— Former Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams named director of Homeland Security.

— Western Kentucky eliminates volleyball program.

— James Harden outscores the Wizards.

— Cleveland Yellow Reds sign coach Bill Cowher to $12 million a year contract.

— Paul Tagliabue overrules entire 2012 NFL season and declares New Orleans Saints as Super Bowl champions.

April

— Pilot raises price of gas to $4.25 a gallon nationwide.

— Tiger Woods misses every fairway off the tee but kicks his driver 15 yards down the middle at No. 17 in the first round of The Masters.

— Ozzie Guillen tells New York Post that although he doesn't condone what Adolf Hitler did, he admires his leadership skills.

— Four Kentucky freshman basketball players, two student managers and a cheerleader declare for the NBA draft.

— Wizards win 10th game.

May

— University of Alabama purchases hillside viewing area at Vanderbilt Stadium to accommodate its fans when in Nashville.— Ozzie Guillen tells NBC affiliate in Los Angeles that although he doesn't condone what Charles Manson did, he appreciates his song-writing ability.

— Vanderbilt football coach James Franklin tells Nashville radio talk-show host that he had to fire two assistant coaches whose wives gained too much weight after giving birth.

— Paul Tagliabue overrules the hiring of Roger Goodell and returns as NFL commissioner.

— Los Angeles Dodgers buy Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder Andrew McCutchen.

June

—Matt Millen purchases Joe Paterno statue.

—Jim Furyk makes 72 consecutive pars to win U.S. Open.

—Candace Parker leaves her basketball at home and poses for Playboy.

—Dick Cheney adds Robin Yount as a Facebook friend.

—Los Angeles Dodgers buy the Pittsburgh Pirates starting lineup and assign all eight players to the minor leagues.

July

— Hell freezes over.

— UT begins construction of Mike Hamilton statue outside Neyland Stadium.

— Steven A. Smith has no opinion.

— Skip Bayless rips Tim Tebow.

— Mel Kiper Jr. shaves his head.

— Jason Yellin stops tweeting.

— Wes Rucker stops tweeting.

— Joey Chestnut doesn't eat a hot dog.

— Vince Ferrara stops working out at the "Y."

— Dave Hooker arrested for driving too slow on I-75.

— Josh Ward accused of being a homer for the Vols.

August

— Matt Millen trades Joe Paterno statue for two wide receivers in a Detroit fantasy football league.

— Vols open preseason camp at Milligan College to avoid mulch-fire fumes near UT campus.

— James Franklin cuts Vanderbilt practice short to judge Hawaiian Tropic bikini contest.

— Mid-afternoon hailstorm damages more than 500 cars in Knoxville.

— Late-night beer-bottle storm damages five cars at The Landing apartments.

— Kristen Saban threatens to pistol whip the two voters who didn't have Alabama No. 1 in The Associated Press preseason Top 25 poll.

September

— UT postpones opener until Monday night due to smoke from downtown mulch fire.

— News Sentinel Sunday headline: "Vols Butcher Austin Peay."

— News Sentinel Sunday headline: "Vols Butch-slap Western Kentucky."

— Tiger Woods adds Bobby Petrino as a Facebook friend.

— Doc suffers black-eye while trying to break up an early-morning fist fight between Jeff and Heather on "Doc, Jeff and Heather in the Morning."

— Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel breaks SEC single-game record for total offense.

October

— Bobby Petrino goes to Halloween party as Evel Knievel.

— Geno Auriemma goes to Halloween party as a drunk Joe Namath.

— Dennis McLain adds Len Dykstra as Facebook friend.

— Wall Street Journal reports that Jim Donnan and John L. Smith owe more money than the U.S. government.

— Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel breaks SEC single-game record for total offense.

— Vols Butch-chug by Bama in historic upset.

— Detroit Tigers win World Series.

— Los Angeles Dodgers buy World Series trophy from Detroit Tigers.

November

— Chad Johnson changes name to Metta Chad Johnson.

— Kristen Saban goes medieval on two Auburn cheerleaders after Tigers upset Tide.

— Fountain City Brownies file discrimination suit against UT.

— Vols win Kentucky state championship by beating Wildcats in overtime.

— Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel breaks SEC single-game record for total offense.

December

— North Carolina reports the theft of a playbook three days before Music City Bowl.

— UT cornerback Deion Bonner named Music City Bowl MVP after Vols intercept three passes, force two fumbles and hold North Carolina to 223 yards in a 31-10 victory.

— News Sentinel basketball guru Brendan Quinn reduces yearly phone bill by $18,000.

— Tonya Harding adds Kristen Saban as Facebook friend.

— In dramatic deathbed confession, O.J. Simpson admits he was too slow to catch one-armed man leaving the murder scene of Simpson's ex-wife.

John Adams is a senior columnist. He may be reached at 865-342-6284 or adamsj@knoxnews.com. Follow him at http://twitter.com/johnadamskns.

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Comments » 47

Dalton writes:

Not that it applies to me but there's a lot to be offended at in this one
..someone applying for Rob Parker's spot on First Take?

tomkats3242 writes:

FIRWE JOHN ADAMS!!!!!!!!!!

sly_stone99#434111 writes:

I'll take that July 2013 issue of Playboy, thank you.

gillblog writes:

Sorry to divert from the subject piece, but I just watched an ESPN re-run of the 1997 SEC Football Championship game- UT v. Auburn and I had forgotten and I am AMAZED in memory to see once again both how poorly the Vols played (chalk that one up to Fulmer coaching even though the Vols won with Manning prevailing) and how incredibly, blatantly, personally biased Keith Jackson was against Peyton winning the Heisman trophy. It is stunning, absolutely stunning, to listen to Jackson self-consciously struggle to come up with objective reasons why he voted against Peyton in the face of all the overwhelming body of work he had produced in his FOUR YEARS at UT. Jackson could NOT justify what he did on any substantive grounds despite being confronted on national TV by the likes of Lynn Swan and Bob Greise (who, unlike Jackson, were intelligent ex-football players) both of whom directly challenged Jackson to make a case for an alternative to Manning. That slob Jackson had NOTHING to say. Nothing. And, he categorically rejected any possibility of debate on the matter with a self-betraying, cowardly; "I refuse to discuss it".
Vol fans, if we have forgotten or if we ever will forget why an excellent but unexceptional defensive back gained a Heisman trophy rather than Peyton Manning, here, above everything else, is the reason;
Keith ("IadmitIdontknowmuchaboutfootballbutIsureamengagininglyfolksywhenIcallTVgamesandbythewayIhavehadenoughdrinkswiththeHeismancommitteetoearnvotingstatus")
Jackson is IT.
What a travesty! What a dolt of a sportscaster ! What a transparent glob of prejudice !
I can't talk about this anymore. I need a beer.... @#$@)&u%@%&)(!

pms151 writes:

Good thing your career is not comedy. By the way just what is it in?

creekroad writes:

All I want for Christmas is for John to go away....pleeeeease!!!!

maciste54 writes:

Was this any good ? I never read this stupid stuff.

eVOLved writes:

Not. Funny. At. All. Not the least bit funny. I can see where some points certainly attempt funny, but don't achieve funny.

Razor784 writes:

The Petrino and Geno stuff were pretty good

born2ride writes:

This is hilarious.

BolivrBob writes:

Not funny or even interesting

1vavolfan writes:

in response to gillblog:

Sorry to divert from the subject piece, but I just watched an ESPN re-run of the 1997 SEC Football Championship game- UT v. Auburn and I had forgotten and I am AMAZED in memory to see once again both how poorly the Vols played (chalk that one up to Fulmer coaching even though the Vols won with Manning prevailing) and how incredibly, blatantly, personally biased Keith Jackson was against Peyton winning the Heisman trophy. It is stunning, absolutely stunning, to listen to Jackson self-consciously struggle to come up with objective reasons why he voted against Peyton in the face of all the overwhelming body of work he had produced in his FOUR YEARS at UT. Jackson could NOT justify what he did on any substantive grounds despite being confronted on national TV by the likes of Lynn Swan and Bob Greise (who, unlike Jackson, were intelligent ex-football players) both of whom directly challenged Jackson to make a case for an alternative to Manning. That slob Jackson had NOTHING to say. Nothing. And, he categorically rejected any possibility of debate on the matter with a self-betraying, cowardly; "I refuse to discuss it".
Vol fans, if we have forgotten or if we ever will forget why an excellent but unexceptional defensive back gained a Heisman trophy rather than Peyton Manning, here, above everything else, is the reason;
Keith ("IadmitIdontknowmuchaboutfootballbutIsureamengagininglyfolksywhenIcallTVgamesandbythewayIhavehadenoughdrinkswiththeHeismancommitteetoearnvotingstatus")
Jackson is IT.
What a travesty! What a dolt of a sportscaster ! What a transparent glob of prejudice !
I can't talk about this anymore. I need a beer.... @#$@)&u%@%&)(!

Totally agree about POS Jackson. Manning was hosed because of a Big 10 bias and because of those in the media with a dislike of UT and the Mannings. I still hate the Big 10 and Michigan in particular because of this. The 1st defensive player to win the Heisman against the best college QB in a generation.

WHen writes:

The Franklin comments were funny too, and I hope we "Butch slap"a lot of folks in the new year.

ARANGEVOL writes:

What ever! LOL This is a comic page isn't it?

10seVol85_Part_Deux writes:

I kept reading in hopes something funny or interesting would happen, and I kept being disappointed. Still, I kept going, hoping to be saved. The more I read, the worse and more desperate I got for some relief. I felt like I was at a roulette wheel, and I kept betting on red over and over, and every time it just kept hitting black. I'm thinking, surely the law of averages will kick in at some point. But alas, it was not to be.

Snapshot writes:

in response to gillblog:

Sorry to divert from the subject piece, but I just watched an ESPN re-run of the 1997 SEC Football Championship game- UT v. Auburn and I had forgotten and I am AMAZED in memory to see once again both how poorly the Vols played (chalk that one up to Fulmer coaching even though the Vols won with Manning prevailing) and how incredibly, blatantly, personally biased Keith Jackson was against Peyton winning the Heisman trophy. It is stunning, absolutely stunning, to listen to Jackson self-consciously struggle to come up with objective reasons why he voted against Peyton in the face of all the overwhelming body of work he had produced in his FOUR YEARS at UT. Jackson could NOT justify what he did on any substantive grounds despite being confronted on national TV by the likes of Lynn Swan and Bob Greise (who, unlike Jackson, were intelligent ex-football players) both of whom directly challenged Jackson to make a case for an alternative to Manning. That slob Jackson had NOTHING to say. Nothing. And, he categorically rejected any possibility of debate on the matter with a self-betraying, cowardly; "I refuse to discuss it".
Vol fans, if we have forgotten or if we ever will forget why an excellent but unexceptional defensive back gained a Heisman trophy rather than Peyton Manning, here, above everything else, is the reason;
Keith ("IadmitIdontknowmuchaboutfootballbutIsureamengagininglyfolksywhenIcallTVgamesandbythewayIhavehadenoughdrinkswiththeHeismancommitteetoearnvotingstatus")
Jackson is IT.
What a travesty! What a dolt of a sportscaster ! What a transparent glob of prejudice !
I can't talk about this anymore. I need a beer.... @#$@)&u%@%&)(!

What's the deal dude, you don't have to post the same thing on every article on this site.

strops writes:

January=adams gets fired, February=adams gets fired, March=adams gets fired, etc, If only it happened, what a great 2013 it would be!!

gillblog writes:

in response to Snapshot:

What's the deal dude, you don't have to post the same thing on every article on this site.

Couldn't help it.
My blood was up.

And when my blood's up there's just no stoppin' me.

tapeworm writes:

No one will ever mistake Adams for Rick Reilly.

UT4prez writes:

in response to Dalton:

Not that it applies to me but there's a lot to be offended at in this one
..someone applying for Rob Parker's spot on First Take?

Don't forget to take down Brad Wesley. I'm rooting for you Dalton.

TheVolMan writes:

in response to pms151:

Good thing your career is not comedy. By the way just what is it in?

(This comment was removed by the site staff.)

crob7x writes:

in response to tomkats3242:

FIRWE JOHN ADAMS!!!!!!!!!!

Firwe?

MarbleCitySon writes:

It wasn't Adolph Hitler, it was Fidel Castro........are there no fact checkers anymore, or is the KNS getting into Sun territory.

Pullingguard writes:

Very good read..should be required reading for all Vol Fans, they
Need little comedy and few laughs in their life..

bunker_hill#300251 writes:

in response to MarbleCitySon:

It wasn't Adolph Hitler, it was Fidel Castro........are there no fact checkers anymore, or is the KNS getting into Sun territory.

Hello that was the joke, that he commented on someone else...

tovolny writes:

in response to gillblog:

Sorry to divert from the subject piece, but I just watched an ESPN re-run of the 1997 SEC Football Championship game- UT v. Auburn and I had forgotten and I am AMAZED in memory to see once again both how poorly the Vols played (chalk that one up to Fulmer coaching even though the Vols won with Manning prevailing) and how incredibly, blatantly, personally biased Keith Jackson was against Peyton winning the Heisman trophy. It is stunning, absolutely stunning, to listen to Jackson self-consciously struggle to come up with objective reasons why he voted against Peyton in the face of all the overwhelming body of work he had produced in his FOUR YEARS at UT. Jackson could NOT justify what he did on any substantive grounds despite being confronted on national TV by the likes of Lynn Swan and Bob Greise (who, unlike Jackson, were intelligent ex-football players) both of whom directly challenged Jackson to make a case for an alternative to Manning. That slob Jackson had NOTHING to say. Nothing. And, he categorically rejected any possibility of debate on the matter with a self-betraying, cowardly; "I refuse to discuss it".
Vol fans, if we have forgotten or if we ever will forget why an excellent but unexceptional defensive back gained a Heisman trophy rather than Peyton Manning, here, above everything else, is the reason;
Keith ("IadmitIdontknowmuchaboutfootballbutIsureamengagininglyfolksywhenIcallTVgamesandbythewayIhavehadenoughdrinkswiththeHeismancommitteetoearnvotingstatus")
Jackson is IT.
What a travesty! What a dolt of a sportscaster ! What a transparent glob of prejudice !
I can't talk about this anymore. I need a beer.... @#$@)&u%@%&)(!

Jackson bent over and kissed ESPN in places they couldn't reach with their lips because he was told and more or less ordered to vote for Woodson. Why? Easy answer: Michigan was playing in the Rose Bowl, which was to be covered by the Jackson crew. Manning would not be on ESPN or ABC. Manning's trophy was given to someone else just to enhance the ratings and enlarge the viewing audience. Lousy Holtz (I mean Lou) said it was a shame Manning was not awarded the Heisman. What is so frustrating about the whole thing was several years later when a terrible QB from Oklahoma (last name White) actually won the Heisman. White was cut on his first day in the NFL.

I have a trophy case in my log cabin up in the mountains that has several trophys called Ultra Heisman. They were won by Beaty Feathers, Hank Lauricella ,Johnny Majors, Standley Morgan, and Peyton Manning. Also, Bob Greasy won an Ultra Heisman over the great Steve Spurrier. Steve Delong got the UH over Pat Sullivan (I believe). THE FIRST IN THE FIRST ROUND DRAFT ( The FITFRD)...now that is the what tells the REAL STORY since 1997. I made a UH for Heath Shuller, but I haven't gotten around to engraving his name on it yet. I can't come up with a good design for the FITFRD, but I am thinking about an Armored Car full of Money, or a Piggy Bank saying $100,000,000 plus. Any body have a suggestion on the design? How about one with a House Trailer saying Trailer Park Mentality?

VFLonthewestcoast writes:

Got a kick out of the Petrino, James Franklin, and Geno Auriema jabs. I enjoyed this. It isn't worthy of a Pulitzer Prize but it sure is entertaining. I enjoy John Adams. I have no idea why all of you are so opposed to him. I think you JA haters need to calm down and get a hobby other than UT sports and go have some fun once and a while

Dalton writes:

in response to UT4prez:

Don't forget to take down Brad Wesley. I'm rooting for you Dalton.

Roadhouse reference?...I forgot the bad guy character's name..if so lol...that's not where I got my screen name from though nor the town in GA

TNFootbo writes:

This is an excellent example of the rubbish that results when the the minimum number of articles these guys must write for a satisfactory performance rating for the KNS is too high.

SevenT writes:

in response to gillblog:

Sorry to divert from the subject piece, but I just watched an ESPN re-run of the 1997 SEC Football Championship game- UT v. Auburn and I had forgotten and I am AMAZED in memory to see once again both how poorly the Vols played (chalk that one up to Fulmer coaching even though the Vols won with Manning prevailing) and how incredibly, blatantly, personally biased Keith Jackson was against Peyton winning the Heisman trophy. It is stunning, absolutely stunning, to listen to Jackson self-consciously struggle to come up with objective reasons why he voted against Peyton in the face of all the overwhelming body of work he had produced in his FOUR YEARS at UT. Jackson could NOT justify what he did on any substantive grounds despite being confronted on national TV by the likes of Lynn Swan and Bob Greise (who, unlike Jackson, were intelligent ex-football players) both of whom directly challenged Jackson to make a case for an alternative to Manning. That slob Jackson had NOTHING to say. Nothing. And, he categorically rejected any possibility of debate on the matter with a self-betraying, cowardly; "I refuse to discuss it".
Vol fans, if we have forgotten or if we ever will forget why an excellent but unexceptional defensive back gained a Heisman trophy rather than Peyton Manning, here, above everything else, is the reason;
Keith ("IadmitIdontknowmuchaboutfootballbutIsureamengagininglyfolksywhenIcallTVgamesandbythewayIhavehadenoughdrinkswiththeHeismancommitteetoearnvotingstatus")
Jackson is IT.
What a travesty! What a dolt of a sportscaster ! What a transparent glob of prejudice !
I can't talk about this anymore. I need a beer.... @#$@)&u%@%&)(!

Aside from Manning's sexual harrassment of a female student in the locker room he kept his nose clean at Tennessee. I wonder if that situation worked against him and in favor of Charles Woodson?

FanNotSheep writes:

You know, karma is something you shouldn't mess with. How many National Titles has the Big 10 won since Manning was robbed of the Heisman? Do you think they will ever win another one?

BIVOLAR_BEARE writes:

in response to UT4prez:

Don't forget to take down Brad Wesley. I'm rooting for you Dalton.

Love the Roadhouse ref..Kudos.

FanNotSheep writes:

Oh yeah -- Merry Christmas.

Rockytop_Engineer writes:

A fine line exists between funny and tasteless. Adams erased it.

Bobsrazor writes:

in response to gillblog:

Couldn't help it.
My blood was up.

And when my blood's up there's just no stoppin' me.

Lock this guys guns up! Please!

DownTheField15 writes:

"Kristen Saban threatens to pistol whip the two voters who didn't have Alabama No. 1 in The Associated Press preseason Top 25 poll."

I don't care who you are that's funny right there.

Dalton writes:

in response to SevenT:

Aside from Manning's sexual harrassment of a female student in the locker room he kept his nose clean at Tennessee. I wonder if that situation worked against him and in favor of Charles Woodson?

Mooning in a men's locker room=sexual assault? and they pay six figures so she can go heal?...gotta love America

MarbleCitySon writes:

in response to bunker_hill#300251:

Hello that was the joke, that he commented on someone else...

.......That's not funny.

jmaples54 writes:

july

-tomkats, tonyvol, etc. nominate john adams for the national sportswriter of the year, pulitzer prize, and nobel prize for literature, and themselves for nobel peace prize.

commonman writes:

Some of you need a sense of humor, This aint half bad.

Dalton writes:

in response to commonman:

Some of you need a sense of humor, This aint half bad.

Ain't"half-good" neither

BigBadVol writes:

Mr Adams has way too much time on his hands.

mpp4211 writes:

Wow

jjk writes:

Oh quit being such fuddy-duddys folks, this was Christmas Day humor. I loved the David Stern references, but I wouldn't put it past him to do stuff like that for real. Like he fines the Heat for not playing LeBron, D-Wade and Bosh the whole fourth quarter when they are blowing out the Clippers in a nationally-televised game.

pingkr62 writes:

Can I wake up now?

OwensboroVol writes:

I normally enjoy John Adams but I have to wonder how many brain cells I lost reading that.

FireJohnAdams writes:

in response to strops:

January=adams gets fired, February=adams gets fired, March=adams gets fired, etc, If only it happened, what a great 2013 it would be!!

If I had big bucks, I would pay big bucks... for a DVD copy of your projections!

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